.happy mothers day.

may.

the mother month.

seeing as my mom’s birthday

and mother’s day fall in the same week,

lots of thinking and reminiscing comes with the territory.

but, more than just thinking about and appreciating

my own mom on mother’s day,

today my heart is full for the many mothers

who have impacted my life.

i wish i could individually thank,

give a giant bouquet of flowers to,

and wrap my arms

around each of my friends’ sweet mothers.

all those have taken me in their home,

talked with me about life,

fed me delicious food,

taught me how to make their delicious food,

let me cry on their shoulders,

bestowed upon me cherished gifts,
gave priceless dating advice,

shared wisdom and experience

from their talents, education, and professions.

i’m grateful for grandmothers who

show me the right way to cut tomatoes,

aunts with stellar fashion recommendations,

and four incredible sisters who have

passed along any and all motherly counsel

that was either given to 
or naturally instinctive a part of them.

i’m grateful for the way i’ve seen these maternal figures

have their children jump at the opportunity

to tell them about their day,

how they brush away contention with gentle tones,

have late nights sewing or going to the ER,

spend their days living in the car going from one errand to another,

go to recitals after hearing the same songs on repeat for months,

help the tooth fairy and santa claus,

give their laps for a pillow,

play the cheerleader, doctor, mentor, chef, chauffer…

just about everything, really.

you’ve all been angels.

i’ve felt like the luckiest girl to have

my own angel watching over me,

with countless more all around me.

a huge thank you and lots of love

to each n every one o’ ya.

happy mothers day.

happy mother’s day.
happy mothers’ day.

.miss you like crazy.

sometimes it’s expected.

usually i have more days like this in may.

it’s her day of birth,

mothers day…

i pull out all the journals,

memory books,

photographs,

and just like to sit and think about

everything that’s happened since

now and then.

other times it’s a passing thought,

or comment in conversation.

emotions are under control

with only sweet, lingering nostalgia.

today i was just brushing my teeth,

and thought of something funny

my mom said at family home evening.

we were talking about adam and eve

and she had the hypothesis that

the tree of knowledge of good and evil

was a fig tree.

cause adam and eve covered themselves up with

fig leaves afterwards. ha. 

(gotta love those biblical theories).

and then,

out of nowhere,

i felt the water works welling up.

i don’t know if it’s because today marks

exactly 4 years and 3 months since she passed away,

but i sat down for a few minutes

and just let the wave of tears and memories flow.

a few days earlier,

i was talking with my dad in the car

about her.

he said,

“i still miss her like crazy.”

and today i missed her like crazy too.

i miss the way she laughed while watching

her favorite movie, ‘the gods must be crazy’

i miss the way she made me laugh.

(here’s a post with stories from an old blog

i had to write for a class a few years ago).

i miss her political rants.

i miss resting my head on my mom’s shoulder and talking.

i miss listening to “do you know?” by enrique iglesias,

and every time she was so impressed the beat started with a ping pong.

i miss her attention to detail.

i even miss all the unsolicited advice on health and nutrition.

i remember one night hearing my parents having

a somewhat loud "discussion" upstairs and after awhile,

i could hear my mom crying.

i went upstairs and asked,

“is everything okay, mom?”

she smiled at me under the tears,

and said,

“yes, everything is alright.

your dad is just a little discouraged

we’ve been trying so many treatments

and nothing has been getting better.

but i know everything is going to be okay.

i know that because of your faith, liza.

your prayers and positive attitude,

remind me that things will work out for the best.

keep having faith, sweetheart.”

i think of that memory,

and keep trying to hold on to the faith i had then.

faith that wasn’t conditional upon an outcome.

because even though she did pass away,

and even though it’s been a few years now,

i still sometimes wonder if things will  

work out without her.

but they have,

and will continue to.

and even though there’s days like this

where i miss her like crazy,

i know there’s more memories to make ahead

than those we've left behind.

.guilty pleasures and perspective.

so… guilty pleasure.

i love reading lds romance novels.

especially the cheesy ones.

i don’t know why, but there’s great joy

that comes from vicariously living

through unrealistic sap.

anyways…

i was pleasantly surprised to find some

substance in the cheesy goodness

one night when i was 17.

“You know, Rachel, no one in the world has gone through what you have. Sure, you're not the only person who's lost a parent, but no one experienced the exact circumstances of your dad's death exactly as you did. Not even your brothers. Everything about you and your relationship with your dad makes your situation unique. That's why Christ is the only one who can help you get through this or any of your trials. He experienced the exact trials and the exact pain you're going through when He was in Gethsemane, in the exact way you're experiencing it and going through it every day. You don't have to explain why and how you hurt to Him. He already knows. That's why He's the one who knows how to heal and comfort you, if you'll go to Him for help. Sometimes He sends that comfort and help through other people, and sometimes it comes in pretty unexpected and unique ways. That's why it's important not to push people away who want to help. And that's why understanding and using Christ's atonement can help so much."

(“When the Bough Breaks” – Kay Lynn Mangum)

after reading this, i wrote in my journal and said:

“I don’t know why, but it really put things in perspective for me about Christ’s Atonement. I’d always heard it said that, ‘Christ knows exactly what you’re going through’ but now I more fully understand it. Sure, Christ knows what it’s like to have a bad day. But he suffered to know what it was like to go through one of my bad days… I’m glad to know a little bit more about the Atonement.”

little did i know how much i would need that understanding.

when my mom passed away three months later,

i turned back to the excerpt from this novel over and over again.

i couldn’t help but be filled with the Lord’s tender mercy

of emotionally and spiritually preparing me for that day

and every day since.

i’ve realized that you can still be a happy person

even with a constant hole in your heart,

but there are some better remedies than others.

for a long time, i would play the what-if game.

what if she hadn’t died?

what if she had gotten better?

what if things were different?

or sometimes it was a round of would-you-rather.

would i rather have her here and

not have grown from the lessons i’ve learned?

[or]

would i rather be the same person

and still have a mom?

i couldn’t win either way with these questionaire battles.

all the what-ifs and would-you-rathers just painted me

into corners i didn’t have the answers to.

but after awhile, i realized something…

i don’t have to pick and choose.

i don’t have to decide between my own personal growth

or whether or not my mom was still here.

the Atonement of Jesus Christ allows, and is intended,

for us to have both.

we’re meant to progress and live with our loved ones forever.

with the Plan of Salvation, we can have our cake and eat it too.

the Lord is good.

whether this life, or in the next,

there's wonderful things, loved ones to see, and places to go ahead of us.

i’m glad to know a little bit more about the Atonement.