.miss you like crazy.

sometimes it’s expected.

usually i have more days like this in may.

it’s her day of birth,

mothers day…

i pull out all the journals,

memory books,

photographs,

and just like to sit and think about

everything that’s happened since

now and then.

other times it’s a passing thought,

or comment in conversation.

emotions are under control

with only sweet, lingering nostalgia.

today i was just brushing my teeth,

and thought of something funny

my mom said at family home evening.

we were talking about adam and eve

and she had the hypothesis that

the tree of knowledge of good and evil

was a fig tree.

cause adam and eve covered themselves up with

fig leaves afterwards. ha. 

(gotta love those biblical theories).

and then,

out of nowhere,

i felt the water works welling up.

i don’t know if it’s because today marks

exactly 4 years and 3 months since she passed away,

but i sat down for a few minutes

and just let the wave of tears and memories flow.

a few days earlier,

i was talking with my dad in the car

about her.

he said,

“i still miss her like crazy.”

and today i missed her like crazy too.

i miss the way she laughed while watching

her favorite movie, ‘the gods must be crazy’

i miss the way she made me laugh.

(here’s a post with stories from an old blog

i had to write for a class a few years ago).

i miss her political rants.

i miss resting my head on my mom’s shoulder and talking.

i miss listening to “do you know?” by enrique iglesias,

and every time she was so impressed the beat started with a ping pong.

i miss her attention to detail.

i even miss all the unsolicited advice on health and nutrition.

i remember one night hearing my parents having

a somewhat loud "discussion" upstairs and after awhile,

i could hear my mom crying.

i went upstairs and asked,

“is everything okay, mom?”

she smiled at me under the tears,

and said,

“yes, everything is alright.

your dad is just a little discouraged

we’ve been trying so many treatments

and nothing has been getting better.

but i know everything is going to be okay.

i know that because of your faith, liza.

your prayers and positive attitude,

remind me that things will work out for the best.

keep having faith, sweetheart.”

i think of that memory,

and keep trying to hold on to the faith i had then.

faith that wasn’t conditional upon an outcome.

because even though she did pass away,

and even though it’s been a few years now,

i still sometimes wonder if things will  

work out without her.

but they have,

and will continue to.

and even though there’s days like this

where i miss her like crazy,

i know there’s more memories to make ahead

than those we've left behind.