.to know Him.

there’s a lot of big things i’ve learned here the past few months.

but this one might be one of the biggest.

and it’s been thoughts and feelings so near and dear to my heart,

i’m not quite sure how to articulate it.

but i felt impressed to share it,

so i’ll try.

here goes something.

have you ever had something you've heard your entire life,

but it took awhile until it actually clicked and you finally understood it?

today was one of those days.

the Atonement is so multi-faceted, 

it's something i'll always be trying to understand for probably the rest of my life...

but today i realized that Christ wouldn't be who He is without us, 

and we wouldn't be who we are without Him.

we're made up of moments and experiences. 

to be without one of those moments, or one of those experiences,

would mean for us to be a different person.

but we are who we are because of the moments and experiences we have. 

and Jesus Christ knows exactly who each of us is,

and who we each have the potential to become,

all because of His atoning sacrifice -

to personally suffer, empathize, and aid us

through each of our moments and experiences that make up who we are.

that being said, Christ has come to know each of us...

but how do we come to know Christ?

being here in the holy land has definitely offered a lot of perspective

and factual knowledge in that regard.

i've read the scriptures, multiple talks, books, and articles on the Savior and His life.

i've learned about His character and how he responded in various situations, 

how His ultimate goal was to bring glory to the Father...

i've seen bethlehem where He was born, 

walked on the steps he took to the temple, 

seen multiple places where he may or may not have ascended into Heaven... 

all fun facts, right?

but i've learned that even though all these things were helpful in gaining a more rooted, 

clear knowledge and testimony of the Savior,

it wasn’t so much the content of the experiences

but rather why we have the experiences we do.

i believe we're given the individual experiences, opportunities, 

situations, trials, and circumstances for many reasons,

but ultimately because it helps us come to know Jesus Christ.

because, in essence,

they are the very things that make up who He is as well.

because the experiences and moments in my life and your life,

make up experiences and moments in Christ's life.

there's all these overarching principles in the universe of love, fear, addiction, death, joy... 

and two people can learn one of these principles very different ways.

but Christ understands each of those perspectives perfectly 

because He's got every experience and every moment of everyone on His shoulders, 

to help aid, comfort, and guide us what we individually go through.

His understanding would be incomplete without you or i.

for instance, maybe from one of our individual life experiences,

we taught the Savior something about love as He suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane.

not only did that contribute to His understanding of the principle,

but also it would be very different, less personal, and less meaningful

to have a Savior try and empathize through someone's else's perspective on love,

regardless of how similar the experience might have been.

the Atonement is meaningful because Jesus Christ 

exactly knows and perfectly understands

you and i.

and every person we meet and come to understand

as we exercise the pure love of Christ,

is another piece to the puzzle.

as we take our own experiences and come to know others,

we come to know Christ

because His understanding is in each of us.

thinking about this made me realize 

the worth that each of us has as well - 

that Christ needs us just as much as we need Him.

i don't think Christ would have gone through what He had 

if He didn't perfectly understand that worth.

and by knowing how much He loves us,

should reflect in how much we should also value each other.

long thoughts short:

we're all made up of moments and experiences.

we share those moments and experiences with Christ.

He perfectly knows us individually,

and we come to know Him.

as we strive to develop charity,

we take hold of His perfect understanding,

and come to know and love others

which furthers our knowledge of the Savior.

He needs us, and we need Him.

He died for us because He understood our worth,

and everything in our lives revolves around coming to understand
His worth in ours.

.magic is connections.

oh, this weekend was oh so lovely.

throughout all the loveliness,

i couldn’t help but be reminded of what a dear friend told me

many moons ago.

she said,

“magic is connections.”

that being said, onto the loveliness.

do you know who’s a saint? valentine.

this good man’s holiday is one i look forward to every year.

and this years blessed day of love was especially exceptional.

valentines night,

i went to the “sacred gifts” art exhibit 
at the moa (museum of art).

the moment you walk in,

you behold this beauty in all its grandeur and glory.

"agony in the garden" - frans schwartz 

now, i’ve always appreciated art don’t get me wrong.

it takes serious skill to do what the artistic greats do.

but i can count on one hand the number of times

i’ve been actually moved by art.

i stared at this painting for at least a good solid fifteen minutes.

i couldn’t stop staring at Christ’s face.

it pulled at my heartstrings to see such an expression of total despair.

i stared at the angel for awhile too.

(someone told me that maybe it was michael -

second witness, anyone?)

but whoever it was,

i thought about what an honor it would have

been to be by the Savior’s side during those moments.

i’m sure all the hosts of heaven were looking down

wishing they could do something to help,

and that angel received the privilege

of comforting the Comforter.

it is so hard to think about

the Savior of the World hurting beyond comprehension,

when He’s always been the one to lift others.

but He chose to.

He had to.

and continued to be selfless despite the agony.

i’m sure He was a little more than bummed

that His chief apostles were unable to stay awake

and watch with Him for just an hour,

or the heartache caused by Judas’s betrayal.

but despite either of those,

He still took the time to heal the guard’s severed ear.

or when He was hanging on the cross,

He was asking John to care for His sweet mother Mary.

or was comforting another thief on the cross,

with words of the paradise they had to look forward to.

i think elder bednar says it best:

“One of the best indicators of righteous character is the capacity to recognize and appropriately respond to other people who are experiencing the very challenge or adversity that is most immediately and forcefully pressing upon us. Character is revealed, for example, in the power to discern the suffering of other people when we ourselves are suffering; in the ability to detect the hunger of others when we are hungry; and in the power to reach out and extend compassion for the spiritual agony of others when we are in the midst of our own spiritual distress. Therefore, character is demonstrated by looking, turning, and reaching outward when the instinctive response of the “natural man” (Mosiah 3:19) in each of us is to turn inward and to be selfish and self-absorbed. And the Savior of the world is the source, the standard, and the ultimate criterion of moral character and the perfect example of charity and consistency.”

frans schwartz,

thank you for the magic connection of your art.

the day after valentines was equally lovely.

i had the amazing opportunity of meeting

one of the world’s great renaissance women,

melissa dalton bradford.

it was magical talking to her.

it was magical hearing her talk.

my eyes, ears, and mind were open

to all the temporal and spiritual blessings

of learning languages.

but more importantly,

communicating heart to heart.

and how learning languages expands that

heart to heart connection.

i don’t know what cultural opportunities

my future may hold,

but i’ll definitely be taking a language class

within the next year.

and come fall 2015,

hopefully i’ll have a chance to put that to good use.

and mixed in with all that aforementioned loveliness,

were some of the best movies.

the kind that make you want to cry and laugh 

all at once because your heart is going to burst.

those are the best in my opinion.

the boy in the striped pajamas

the book thief

and

life is beautiful.

i don’t why i have a WWII/holocaust obsession,

but i think it’s one of the most interesting times of history

that reveal human resilience.

that show what’s left to someone

when there’s absolutely nothing left.

and how they continue to leave the world better off,

than how it left them.

magic is connections.

.agency of the heart.

i've been on a big free agency kick lately.

i've been thinking about how crazy it is

that Heavenly Father trusts us so much to make decisions on our own.

and if we're living righteously,

He'll guide and direct us otherwise if our choice is wrong,

or path should be altered.

it's been really empowering to think that there's endless possibilities

of great things to do,

places to go,

and individuals we can potentially become

all because we can decide to do, go, and be

whatever we want because we can.

but we have a head.

and we have a heart.

what we know, and what we feel, aren't always the same.

i think for the most part,

i have a pretty good grasp on how to use agency with my head.

i know what's right or wrong

and can act accordingly based on that knowledge.

but the heart...

how does one be an agent of their heart?

for instance, for one reason or another,

someone leaves your life you wish could have stayed.

a death, a breakup, a falling out…

you try to reason there was a higher purpose in their departure,

and might even know that it was all for the best in the end,

but there's that part of you that still wants to be with the other person.

and no matter how hard your head tries to tell your heart to pull it together,

the heart still crawls off into the corner

trying to console the ache in ice cream, running,

listening to the sweet sounds of sentimental adele...

anything really, that might patch up the hurt.

that being said, how does one control the heart, or how they feel?

i'm not quite sure about the answer to that,

but my closest guess is that we have the ability to condition the heart.

to put ourselves in situations that will either cause the heart

to grow in love,

or conversely harden,

or become apathetic.

and each condition is gradual,

built up over time,

and stubborn to change when the head tells it what is best.

maybe the Savior asks us to come to him with a 'broken heart and contrite spirit'

because He's the only one who can fix it.

we have the choice to come to Him (our head + physical action),

but only He, the master heart surgeon, can heal how we feel.

i think it's interesting that in d&c 8 when talking about receiving revelation it says

that we will be told in "[our] mind and [our] heart."

i'm realizing more and more what a profound thing that is

to have what we think and feel come together as one.

it's kind of a big deal.

i remember a letter from a friend that

said something to the effect of,

"we have our sphere of control of what we can and can't do,

and that's all we have to worry about

and Heavenly Father will take care of the rest."

maybe that's what faith is...

is trusting that whether our head or our heart

is guiding us in our sphere of control,

that eventually both might meet at a crossroads along the way.

.guilty pleasures and perspective.

so… guilty pleasure.

i love reading lds romance novels.

especially the cheesy ones.

i don’t know why, but there’s great joy

that comes from vicariously living

through unrealistic sap.

anyways…

i was pleasantly surprised to find some

substance in the cheesy goodness

one night when i was 17.

“You know, Rachel, no one in the world has gone through what you have. Sure, you're not the only person who's lost a parent, but no one experienced the exact circumstances of your dad's death exactly as you did. Not even your brothers. Everything about you and your relationship with your dad makes your situation unique. That's why Christ is the only one who can help you get through this or any of your trials. He experienced the exact trials and the exact pain you're going through when He was in Gethsemane, in the exact way you're experiencing it and going through it every day. You don't have to explain why and how you hurt to Him. He already knows. That's why He's the one who knows how to heal and comfort you, if you'll go to Him for help. Sometimes He sends that comfort and help through other people, and sometimes it comes in pretty unexpected and unique ways. That's why it's important not to push people away who want to help. And that's why understanding and using Christ's atonement can help so much."

(“When the Bough Breaks” – Kay Lynn Mangum)

after reading this, i wrote in my journal and said:

“I don’t know why, but it really put things in perspective for me about Christ’s Atonement. I’d always heard it said that, ‘Christ knows exactly what you’re going through’ but now I more fully understand it. Sure, Christ knows what it’s like to have a bad day. But he suffered to know what it was like to go through one of my bad days… I’m glad to know a little bit more about the Atonement.”

little did i know how much i would need that understanding.

when my mom passed away three months later,

i turned back to the excerpt from this novel over and over again.

i couldn’t help but be filled with the Lord’s tender mercy

of emotionally and spiritually preparing me for that day

and every day since.

i’ve realized that you can still be a happy person

even with a constant hole in your heart,

but there are some better remedies than others.

for a long time, i would play the what-if game.

what if she hadn’t died?

what if she had gotten better?

what if things were different?

or sometimes it was a round of would-you-rather.

would i rather have her here and

not have grown from the lessons i’ve learned?

[or]

would i rather be the same person

and still have a mom?

i couldn’t win either way with these questionaire battles.

all the what-ifs and would-you-rathers just painted me

into corners i didn’t have the answers to.

but after awhile, i realized something…

i don’t have to pick and choose.

i don’t have to decide between my own personal growth

or whether or not my mom was still here.

the Atonement of Jesus Christ allows, and is intended,

for us to have both.

we’re meant to progress and live with our loved ones forever.

with the Plan of Salvation, we can have our cake and eat it too.

the Lord is good.

whether this life, or in the next,

there's wonderful things, loved ones to see, and places to go ahead of us.

i’m glad to know a little bit more about the Atonement.