.guilty pleasures and perspective.

so… guilty pleasure.

i love reading lds romance novels.

especially the cheesy ones.

i don’t know why, but there’s great joy

that comes from vicariously living

through unrealistic sap.

anyways…

i was pleasantly surprised to find some

substance in the cheesy goodness

one night when i was 17.

“You know, Rachel, no one in the world has gone through what you have. Sure, you're not the only person who's lost a parent, but no one experienced the exact circumstances of your dad's death exactly as you did. Not even your brothers. Everything about you and your relationship with your dad makes your situation unique. That's why Christ is the only one who can help you get through this or any of your trials. He experienced the exact trials and the exact pain you're going through when He was in Gethsemane, in the exact way you're experiencing it and going through it every day. You don't have to explain why and how you hurt to Him. He already knows. That's why He's the one who knows how to heal and comfort you, if you'll go to Him for help. Sometimes He sends that comfort and help through other people, and sometimes it comes in pretty unexpected and unique ways. That's why it's important not to push people away who want to help. And that's why understanding and using Christ's atonement can help so much."

(“When the Bough Breaks” – Kay Lynn Mangum)

after reading this, i wrote in my journal and said:

“I don’t know why, but it really put things in perspective for me about Christ’s Atonement. I’d always heard it said that, ‘Christ knows exactly what you’re going through’ but now I more fully understand it. Sure, Christ knows what it’s like to have a bad day. But he suffered to know what it was like to go through one of my bad days… I’m glad to know a little bit more about the Atonement.”

little did i know how much i would need that understanding.

when my mom passed away three months later,

i turned back to the excerpt from this novel over and over again.

i couldn’t help but be filled with the Lord’s tender mercy

of emotionally and spiritually preparing me for that day

and every day since.

i’ve realized that you can still be a happy person

even with a constant hole in your heart,

but there are some better remedies than others.

for a long time, i would play the what-if game.

what if she hadn’t died?

what if she had gotten better?

what if things were different?

or sometimes it was a round of would-you-rather.

would i rather have her here and

not have grown from the lessons i’ve learned?

[or]

would i rather be the same person

and still have a mom?

i couldn’t win either way with these questionaire battles.

all the what-ifs and would-you-rathers just painted me

into corners i didn’t have the answers to.

but after awhile, i realized something…

i don’t have to pick and choose.

i don’t have to decide between my own personal growth

or whether or not my mom was still here.

the Atonement of Jesus Christ allows, and is intended,

for us to have both.

we’re meant to progress and live with our loved ones forever.

with the Plan of Salvation, we can have our cake and eat it too.

the Lord is good.

whether this life, or in the next,

there's wonderful things, loved ones to see, and places to go ahead of us.

i’m glad to know a little bit more about the Atonement.