.grateful day.

today is a grateful day.

i'm grateful for retrospect.

i’m grateful things haven’t worked out according to plan this year.

i’m grateful dreams i didn’t even know i had came true.

i'm grateful for the "never would i have ever thought..." moments.

i’m grateful to work for the rad-est of rad recording artists.

(seriously, if you haven’t heard her stuff, click here

and you can have a grateful day too. you’re welcome)

i’m grateful for her music and the example of her gracious life.

i’m grateful to play with her cute little boy.

i’m grateful when he pretends to shoot me

and then says ‘good morning’ to bring me back to life.

i’m grateful that he’s only two and knows what a weed whacker is.

i’m grateful he calls to play saying ‘com’ere you lil stinker.’

i’m grateful for a roommate who sees the beauty in everything

because she is and blesses with beauty everywhere she goes.

i’m grateful she likes to eat beet salads with me.

i’m grateful for our PT.

i’m grateful for her chauffer services.

i'm grateful she is da PA of da PA.

i’m grateful for an understanding family.

i’m grateful to be exhausted on the 45 minute stretch of concrete

because at least i have a car.

i’m grateful for letters.

i’m grateful to get 2% on a quiz in a program

i didn’t think i could get into.

i’m grateful and excited i have so much to learn.

i’m grateful for new friends you meet

and you wonder how you ever lived without them before.

i’m grateful to live without loved ones each day

because every day after i get to love them a little bit more. 

.i mean it.

i was thinking a lot about this week about why things mean so much.

or why they meant so much.

or why someday they might mean something.

i read my old journal.

about what?

duh, a boy.

page after page, he meant everything to me.

he was all i thought about.

all i talked about.

i wrote down every text/email/phone conversations/wall post/comment he ever said to me.

i glued and taped in anything and everything that he was associated with.

altogether, you could say i had a nice lil picture book (well, actually novel) on my hands.

but like fickle boys do,
he passed.
time passed.

the picture novel passed.

until that trip down memory lane,
part of me forgot why he was so meaningful.
in fact, part of me felt silly for feeling the way i did.

old clothes are meaningful too.

every six months, i make a semiannual trip to the DI.

and every six months i wonder why i can’t bring myself to throw away the gray wildcats t-shirt from when i was on the set of hsm3.

it’s a size xxxxxxxxxl.

and it’s got yellow stains on it now too.

at this point, all rationalization to keep it lies solely in the fact that it was given to me just inches away from zac efron.
so, therefore… gotta have it.

the band perry got it right when they said,

“a penny for my thoughts? oh no, i’ll sell ‘em for a dollar

they’re worth so much more after i’m a gonner.”
when my mom passed away, i couldn’t write down memories
and scan in old pictures fast enough.
i still keep her nappy hot pink sweater too that doesn’t match with anything
and is borderline socially acceptable to wear in public.

why? cause that’s what she wore every morning making scrambled eggs.

even now, i concoct potentially meaningful scenarios.

i do and say things for the sake of their possible future significance.
why do i keep a penny i found from 1956?
beats me…

what if it’s worth 5 dollars someday?

is there anything that keeps its meaning beyond today?

will i still think about it later?
will i care about it tomorrow?

i’d like to think so.

as Hebrews 13:8 says:

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever.”
thank goodness for consistency.

praises and jubilations to a rock of hope in an ever-changing world.

with the gospel of Jesus Christ as a guide, He’ll let us know what matters most.

fickle boys, nappy sweaters n all.

i mean it.

.stay.

it was always 21.
i always thought i’d cross that bridge when i came to it.

come last october… WHAM-O.

great, i’m already on the bridge.

girls and boys head off like hot cakes for the noble cause.

my lack of present content-ness becomes even more restless.

am i suppose to go? was the 24/7 prayer.

He said i couldn’t go wrong with whatever i decided.
two good decisions… thanks?

i started my papers.

i stopped my papers.

why am i lacking clarity for a righteous desire?

how could the answer be no?

maybe it’s not no, but it’s not yes right now.
ah, a few more gone.
why am i still here?
i hate talking to people about it.

every reason to not go just sounds like justification.

“i’m serving, making a difference, and changing the world!”
vs.
“i’m just going to school and working…”
wish i could say the cool answer.

maybe i’m too cool for school.
i just wish i knew.

agency and indecisiveness do not work well together.

right before my friend left, she said:

“you know, maybe you have enough faith to go.
but do you have enough faith to stay?”
wise words.

sometimes it still feels like justification but…
i still have to tell it to myself everyday.

i still don’t know.

i do know i have a desire to serve Him though.

it’s almost a greater sacrifice to not have a cultural experience, learn a language, eat weird food, face rejection, get along with difficult comps (bless their heart), consume food to physical harming capacities to avoid offending anyone, golden investigators, cloud nine spiritual highs, miraculous miracles, catchin the wave and savin souls …

sheesh, that sounds more way fulfilling when the only wave i’m catching is boiling water for ramen alone on a friday night.

but, i’m trusting there’s a higher purpose in “just going to school and working.”

i’ve never felt so courageous and anxious all at once planting my feet when i wish i could move them so badly.

i’ll go where He wants me to go. 

even if it is right here.

.unknown certainty.

i've come to find that most of my inspirational thoughts tend to rhyme.
whether that's a habit picked up from songwriting or having too many dr. suess book sightings (sorry... that was stretching it), i couldn't quite tell you. but one fine day, i was with my friend john attempting to come up with some lyrics.
in the song we were working on, he wanted to tell the tale about an adventurer who was trying to convince his friend that although there's a lot of "what ifs" about the future that may prevent us from trying new things, there's also hope that comes with taking risks.

before long, a stroke of higher lyrical power seized upon me and the inspirational rhyming flowed forth:

"a better possibility

  lies in unknown certainty"

it was one of those things my mouth said before my brain fully wrapped around it. 

unknown certainty... hmm... going forward into the dark... but expecting to eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel. jumping off a cliff... hoping there's something to catch you. never knowing what's ahead... except that it all works out.

in so many words... i think it's called faith.