.stay.

it was always 21.
i always thought i’d cross that bridge when i came to it.

come last october… WHAM-O.

great, i’m already on the bridge.

girls and boys head off like hot cakes for the noble cause.

my lack of present content-ness becomes even more restless.

am i suppose to go? was the 24/7 prayer.

He said i couldn’t go wrong with whatever i decided.
two good decisions… thanks?

i started my papers.

i stopped my papers.

why am i lacking clarity for a righteous desire?

how could the answer be no?

maybe it’s not no, but it’s not yes right now.
ah, a few more gone.
why am i still here?
i hate talking to people about it.

every reason to not go just sounds like justification.

“i’m serving, making a difference, and changing the world!”
vs.
“i’m just going to school and working…”
wish i could say the cool answer.

maybe i’m too cool for school.
i just wish i knew.

agency and indecisiveness do not work well together.

right before my friend left, she said:

“you know, maybe you have enough faith to go.
but do you have enough faith to stay?”
wise words.

sometimes it still feels like justification but…
i still have to tell it to myself everyday.

i still don’t know.

i do know i have a desire to serve Him though.

it’s almost a greater sacrifice to not have a cultural experience, learn a language, eat weird food, face rejection, get along with difficult comps (bless their heart), consume food to physical harming capacities to avoid offending anyone, golden investigators, cloud nine spiritual highs, miraculous miracles, catchin the wave and savin souls …

sheesh, that sounds more way fulfilling when the only wave i’m catching is boiling water for ramen alone on a friday night.

but, i’m trusting there’s a higher purpose in “just going to school and working.”

i’ve never felt so courageous and anxious all at once planting my feet when i wish i could move them so badly.

i’ll go where He wants me to go. 

even if it is right here.