.remarkable friends.

dear liza.

in this letter, i want to talk about a few things. the first one is remarkable friends.

remarkable friends are friends who sacrifice.
what makes them remarkable is their ability to lay aside whatever is personally plaguing them, listen to another, and without any selfish incentive, offer love, concern, and advice. they put off homework, personal time, and comfort to make themselves available when someone they know needs help, or just someone to listen to them.

remarkable friends are loyal.

they remember the ways that they connected with each person, and go to great lengths to preserve every relatable conduit between them. they worry about others and their welfare. they pray for them. even when they rarely see or hear from some people, they think of them fondly and often, and hold special places in their heart and mind for each.

remarkable friends listen first.

they always turn the conversation back to you, no matter how hard you try to stop them. they try to place themselves in your shoes and tear up when you tear up. they laugh at even your silly and less-than-clever jokes. and they make you feel like being honest about how you really think and feel is not only ok, but valued. they see the darkest sides of you, but only offer to light another candle in the corner rather than decry the lack of light. they make you feel not only good about who you are, but that being you is one of the world’s most desirable blessings. their love for you often exceeds your own love for yourself, and in many ways, they show you real love, forgiveness, and Christianity in a way that transcends pulpit-doctrine and bleeds into emotional and conversational interactions.

have you ever had a remarkable friend? they are pearls in your life that you hope never end their selfless affection. i have had very few. you are one of them.

…

oh, my my my.

it’s one thing to have a boy tell you that he loves you.
he whispers flattering words of your beauty, talent, wit, intelligence.
but it’s hard to forget a boy who knows your essence.

he speaks to, treats, and sees you like the person you’ve always wished you could be.

you’re wondering how you ever got so lucky.

because, in reality, they are the remarkable friend.
it’s hard to forget a boy who knows how to compliment your soul.

.stay.

it was always 21.
i always thought i’d cross that bridge when i came to it.

come last october… WHAM-O.

great, i’m already on the bridge.

girls and boys head off like hot cakes for the noble cause.

my lack of present content-ness becomes even more restless.

am i suppose to go? was the 24/7 prayer.

He said i couldn’t go wrong with whatever i decided.
two good decisions… thanks?

i started my papers.

i stopped my papers.

why am i lacking clarity for a righteous desire?

how could the answer be no?

maybe it’s not no, but it’s not yes right now.
ah, a few more gone.
why am i still here?
i hate talking to people about it.

every reason to not go just sounds like justification.

“i’m serving, making a difference, and changing the world!”
vs.
“i’m just going to school and working…”
wish i could say the cool answer.

maybe i’m too cool for school.
i just wish i knew.

agency and indecisiveness do not work well together.

right before my friend left, she said:

“you know, maybe you have enough faith to go.
but do you have enough faith to stay?”
wise words.

sometimes it still feels like justification but…
i still have to tell it to myself everyday.

i still don’t know.

i do know i have a desire to serve Him though.

it’s almost a greater sacrifice to not have a cultural experience, learn a language, eat weird food, face rejection, get along with difficult comps (bless their heart), consume food to physical harming capacities to avoid offending anyone, golden investigators, cloud nine spiritual highs, miraculous miracles, catchin the wave and savin souls …

sheesh, that sounds more way fulfilling when the only wave i’m catching is boiling water for ramen alone on a friday night.

but, i’m trusting there’s a higher purpose in “just going to school and working.”

i’ve never felt so courageous and anxious all at once planting my feet when i wish i could move them so badly.

i’ll go where He wants me to go. 

even if it is right here.