.agency of the heart.

i've been on a big free agency kick lately.

i've been thinking about how crazy it is

that Heavenly Father trusts us so much to make decisions on our own.

and if we're living righteously,

He'll guide and direct us otherwise if our choice is wrong,

or path should be altered.

it's been really empowering to think that there's endless possibilities

of great things to do,

places to go,

and individuals we can potentially become

all because we can decide to do, go, and be

whatever we want because we can.

but we have a head.

and we have a heart.

what we know, and what we feel, aren't always the same.

i think for the most part,

i have a pretty good grasp on how to use agency with my head.

i know what's right or wrong

and can act accordingly based on that knowledge.

but the heart...

how does one be an agent of their heart?

for instance, for one reason or another,

someone leaves your life you wish could have stayed.

a death, a breakup, a falling out…

you try to reason there was a higher purpose in their departure,

and might even know that it was all for the best in the end,

but there's that part of you that still wants to be with the other person.

and no matter how hard your head tries to tell your heart to pull it together,

the heart still crawls off into the corner

trying to console the ache in ice cream, running,

listening to the sweet sounds of sentimental adele...

anything really, that might patch up the hurt.

that being said, how does one control the heart, or how they feel?

i'm not quite sure about the answer to that,

but my closest guess is that we have the ability to condition the heart.

to put ourselves in situations that will either cause the heart

to grow in love,

or conversely harden,

or become apathetic.

and each condition is gradual,

built up over time,

and stubborn to change when the head tells it what is best.

maybe the Savior asks us to come to him with a 'broken heart and contrite spirit'

because He's the only one who can fix it.

we have the choice to come to Him (our head + physical action),

but only He, the master heart surgeon, can heal how we feel.

i think it's interesting that in d&c 8 when talking about receiving revelation it says

that we will be told in "[our] mind and [our] heart."

i'm realizing more and more what a profound thing that is

to have what we think and feel come together as one.

it's kind of a big deal.

i remember a letter from a friend that

said something to the effect of,

"we have our sphere of control of what we can and can't do,

and that's all we have to worry about

and Heavenly Father will take care of the rest."

maybe that's what faith is...

is trusting that whether our head or our heart

is guiding us in our sphere of control,

that eventually both might meet at a crossroads along the way.

.to be or not to be socially acceptable.

some things i wish were socially acceptable:

1) lip-syncing in public.

you know what i'm talking about.

you're walking to campus, ear buds popped in,

you've got a great jam you're strutting to the beat to.

and all you want to do right then is lip sync along

pretending you're in a music video. 

aaaand sometimes i do just that. 

and sometimes i get weird looks from people.

but still.

why can't we all just universally accept everyone’s

inner desire to lip sync in public?

2) approaching people you've only seen on social media.

on a weekly, if not almost daily basis,

i'll see somebody i haven't met in real life.

but i know exactly who they are.

what they did last weekend.

who they're dating.

what they had for breakfast this morning...

the creepiness goes on.

social media has made me the most shameless stalker, guys.

and i know i'm not the only one.

can't we just all own up to the fact that we've mutually stalked

each other so we can be friends in real life?

"hey! how are you, paul? you're friends with [so and so],

from washington, went to peru last summer, business major...

how's that goin? i'm liza."

"hey liza! yeah, totally, how was the concert you went to last week?

sweet instagram post of that swig place too.

we should go sometime.”

see, how easy that was?

and think of all the friends we'd have if we could

actually talk to the people we stalk.

3) randomly using really big words in conversation more often.

why just say, “you’re beautiful”

when you could say, “my, how pulchritudinous you look today.”

ok.

maybe i’m just a lip-syncing weirdo, stalker, nerd.

lipsynceridostalkerd. 

.little did i know.

“what have you been up to lately?”

“oh, you know. school and work. livin’ the dream.”

or the typical:

“what’s your favorite _______?”

“um… uh… hm… maybe chocolate?”

these seem to be the responses i at least give to people 97% of the time.

but, ya know, they're not entirely true either.

i’m mostly writing this post for the sake of remembering.

remembering that despite how much school and work

seem to take up my existence,

or how ho hum my answers tend to be when put on the spot,

there are some pretty cool things that have happened

and neat stuff i’ve learned about myself all along the way.

and especially in the present crusty crust of winter

in the tundra of uneventful-ness, 

i need to remember to be grateful for them all.

so here’s to 2013.

i don’t know if being born on friday the 13^th

had any correlation with the culmination of thirteen related karma,

but, oh man.

what a blessed year it was.

what a pleasantly surprising year it was.

what an incredibly lucky year it was.

so, here it is.

the discoveries, knowledge, experiences, dreams, and realizations of

eliza ann smith.

in 2013.

and to be completely honest, most of them were about food.

little did i know i loved:

cubbys chicken sandwich.

mountain west burrito.

green smoothies.

cilantro.

salted caramel.

butterscotch shakes.

kettle corn.

swig sugar cookies.

sweet tooth fairy iced oatmeal cookies.

oatmeal in general.

cocoa beans better-than-whatever cupcakes.

(i'm not avoiding a certain word, people.
that’s really what they’re called, i promise)

nougat.

mini m&ms (sooo much better than regular sized ones).

cow tales.

vanilla tootsie rolls.

and…

salad (gotta have a balanced diet when the rest is 80% dia-beet-uhs).

other new loves (non-food related):

cross-stitching.

poppies and zinnias.

ted talks.

collecting wall art and making collages.

sitting and reading in barnes and noble all afternoon.

learning about near-death experiences.

arcade games. 

pentel r.s.v.p. pens.

finding hidden gems of music on spotify.

zumba.

sunday naps (it is literally the day of rest).

grapefruit scented things.

sticky notes.

dreams that came true:

commercial music major.

being an efy counselor.

mindy gledhill.

jeep cherokee.

iPhone (what a blessed contraption).

nikon d7100 (still need to figure out to actually use it).

got an email to audition for one of my favorite t.v. shows.

met music publishers from nashville.

played a show at the velour.

went to a justin bieber concert.

new experiences/knowledge:

traveled out of the US of A for the first time.

sheep have tails.

the geologic term for the point of the mountain on I-215 is called the ‘spit.’
indexed over 1,000 names.

fixed multiple plumbing problems with the trusty aid of google and youtube.
wrote my first christmas song.

worked for my first and last time at chacha.

went on six dates in a week (also for the first and last time).

made thai food at midnight.

experiences are meaningful because of the people you’re with.

being specific in prayer makes all the difference.

anyone can get along with anyone.

it’s not what you’ve done, it’s who you’ve become.

i’m not in command but i’m in good hands.

things i learned about myself:

i’m a horrible texter-backer.

i may never be punctual in this life.

i yet to have a good experience with group projects.

i love to dance.

(efy and zumba bring out the best moves).

i think my favorite term of endearment is ‘darling.’

i love learning songs in different languages.

(‘dices’ by selena gomez ees muy bueno).

a good horse movie still makes me cry.

i’m all about the quality over quantity of people in my life.

i can’t sleep with socks.

and that’s just to name a few.

between crossing off a good chunk of my bucket list,

having dreams fulfilled i didn’t know i had,

or making new friends that taught me more about

life and myself that i wouldn’t have learned otherwise on my own…

2013 was kind to me.

cool things happen.

to you.

to me.

probably more than we realize too.

it’s just a matter of remembering

and being consciously grateful for them

when life throws you in the doldrums

of school, work, and crusty crust winter.

let’s see whatcha got 2014.

.bibliotherapy.

How long I lay on my bed sobbing for the one love of my life I do not know. Later, I heard Father's footsteps coming up the stairs. For a moment I was a little girl again waiting for him to tuck the blankets tight. But this was a hurt that no blanket could shut out, and suddenly I was afraid of what Father would say. Afraid he would say, "There'll be someone else soon," and that forever afterward this untruth would lie between us. For in some deep part of me I knew already that there would not--soon or ever--be anyone else.

The sweet cigar smell came into the room with Father. And of course he did not say the false, idle words.

"Corrie," he began instead, "do you know what hurts so very much? It's love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain.

"There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill the love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies, too. Or, Corrie, we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel.

"God loves Karel--even more than you do--and if you ask Him, He will give you His love for this man, a love nothing can prevent, nothing destroy. Whenever we cannot love in the old, human way, Corrie, God can give us the perfect way."

I did not know, as I listened to Father's footsteps winding back down the stairs, that he had given me more than the key to this hard moment. I did not know that he had put into my hands the secret that would open far darker rooms than this--places where there was not, on a human level, anything to love at all.

I was still in kindergarten in these matters of love. My task just then was to give up my feeling for Karel without giving up the joy and wonder that had grown with it. And so, that very hour, lying there on my bed, I whispered the enormous prayer:

"Lord, I give to You the way I feel about Karel, my thoughts about our future--oh, You know! Everything! Give me Your way of seeing Karel instead. Help me to love him that way. That much."

"the hiding place" - corrie ten boom.

…

someday,

some way,

some how…

i just hope i can learn to live and love that way.

that much.