.bibliotherapy.

How long I lay on my bed sobbing for the one love of my life I do not know. Later, I heard Father's footsteps coming up the stairs. For a moment I was a little girl again waiting for him to tuck the blankets tight. But this was a hurt that no blanket could shut out, and suddenly I was afraid of what Father would say. Afraid he would say, "There'll be someone else soon," and that forever afterward this untruth would lie between us. For in some deep part of me I knew already that there would not--soon or ever--be anyone else.

The sweet cigar smell came into the room with Father. And of course he did not say the false, idle words.

"Corrie," he began instead, "do you know what hurts so very much? It's love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain.

"There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill the love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies, too. Or, Corrie, we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel.

"God loves Karel--even more than you do--and if you ask Him, He will give you His love for this man, a love nothing can prevent, nothing destroy. Whenever we cannot love in the old, human way, Corrie, God can give us the perfect way."

I did not know, as I listened to Father's footsteps winding back down the stairs, that he had given me more than the key to this hard moment. I did not know that he had put into my hands the secret that would open far darker rooms than this--places where there was not, on a human level, anything to love at all.

I was still in kindergarten in these matters of love. My task just then was to give up my feeling for Karel without giving up the joy and wonder that had grown with it. And so, that very hour, lying there on my bed, I whispered the enormous prayer:

"Lord, I give to You the way I feel about Karel, my thoughts about our future--oh, You know! Everything! Give me Your way of seeing Karel instead. Help me to love him that way. That much."

"the hiding place" - corrie ten boom.

…

someday,

some way,

some how…

i just hope i can learn to live and love that way.

that much.

.guilty pleasures and perspective.

so… guilty pleasure.

i love reading lds romance novels.

especially the cheesy ones.

i don’t know why, but there’s great joy

that comes from vicariously living

through unrealistic sap.

anyways…

i was pleasantly surprised to find some

substance in the cheesy goodness

one night when i was 17.

“You know, Rachel, no one in the world has gone through what you have. Sure, you're not the only person who's lost a parent, but no one experienced the exact circumstances of your dad's death exactly as you did. Not even your brothers. Everything about you and your relationship with your dad makes your situation unique. That's why Christ is the only one who can help you get through this or any of your trials. He experienced the exact trials and the exact pain you're going through when He was in Gethsemane, in the exact way you're experiencing it and going through it every day. You don't have to explain why and how you hurt to Him. He already knows. That's why He's the one who knows how to heal and comfort you, if you'll go to Him for help. Sometimes He sends that comfort and help through other people, and sometimes it comes in pretty unexpected and unique ways. That's why it's important not to push people away who want to help. And that's why understanding and using Christ's atonement can help so much."

(“When the Bough Breaks” – Kay Lynn Mangum)

after reading this, i wrote in my journal and said:

“I don’t know why, but it really put things in perspective for me about Christ’s Atonement. I’d always heard it said that, ‘Christ knows exactly what you’re going through’ but now I more fully understand it. Sure, Christ knows what it’s like to have a bad day. But he suffered to know what it was like to go through one of my bad days… I’m glad to know a little bit more about the Atonement.”

little did i know how much i would need that understanding.

when my mom passed away three months later,

i turned back to the excerpt from this novel over and over again.

i couldn’t help but be filled with the Lord’s tender mercy

of emotionally and spiritually preparing me for that day

and every day since.

i’ve realized that you can still be a happy person

even with a constant hole in your heart,

but there are some better remedies than others.

for a long time, i would play the what-if game.

what if she hadn’t died?

what if she had gotten better?

what if things were different?

or sometimes it was a round of would-you-rather.

would i rather have her here and

not have grown from the lessons i’ve learned?

[or]

would i rather be the same person

and still have a mom?

i couldn’t win either way with these questionaire battles.

all the what-ifs and would-you-rathers just painted me

into corners i didn’t have the answers to.

but after awhile, i realized something…

i don’t have to pick and choose.

i don’t have to decide between my own personal growth

or whether or not my mom was still here.

the Atonement of Jesus Christ allows, and is intended,

for us to have both.

we’re meant to progress and live with our loved ones forever.

with the Plan of Salvation, we can have our cake and eat it too.

the Lord is good.

whether this life, or in the next,

there's wonderful things, loved ones to see, and places to go ahead of us.

i’m glad to know a little bit more about the Atonement.

.a dating discovery or dos.

well… be careful what you blog about.

or else you might get

s

i

x

dates in one week.

boy, i’m exhausted/exhausted of boys.

my level of intrigue with each suitor is another story,

but more importantly,
it has been a learning experience for this date-o-phobe.

i wouldn’t say i’m completely cured,

but i have realized that:

dating is a discovery process.

you discover things and attributes that you like,

and others you may not care for so much.

dating is validating.

you realize there are better people you can move on to,

or better people worth holding out for.

dating should be selfless.

as the asker on a date, you may be sacrificing your monies.

as the askee, you may feel like the only way to get through the night

is to treat it like a charity case (bless their hearts)

but as the asker or the askee,

it’s important to be generous with our time and attention.

it doesn’t matter if you have the best night ever

but we can do our best to make sure our date has one heck of a swell time.

the good news is,
is that eventually there will be mutual

discovery, validation, and selflessness

that will result in a best night ever

with many more best nights to come.

really, we've got a lot to look forward to my single folks.

 .dating mantra decor.

.date-o-phobia.

guys, i think i have date-o-phobia.
actually, scratch that, i know i do.

like, going on dates? it’s fine. whatever.

“hey what’s your name, where ya from, what’s your major…

k, cool – have a great life! see ya never!”

but when it actually comes to dating someone?

ooo… now that sends shivers down my spine.

why, pray tell?

well, it all goes from the superficial spectrum to the serious.

there’s the cliché been there done that.

i tried being vulnerable once.

well, truth is, he made it real easy to be vulnerable.

his words were keys that opened up all the locks to my secrets.

and he embraced my light and my dark quite beautifully.

in fact, maybe too beautifully.
cause it’s been hard to take that standard off its pedestal.

i can’t even fathom how some people have had multiple boyfriends in their life.

how they get so close to someone over and over again, cut off all ties,

and hop on the next dating wagon again.

i see why they do that, and why it’s probably normal and healthy to do that,
but i don’t know if i could ever do that…

but then again, i have date-o-phobia.

i think it also comes down to me just being plain ‘ol picky.

not like the 'oh, he has to be tall dark and handsome, blue eyes' kind of picky.

sometimes i’m even picky about them being too attractive (i know, whatta weirdo)

quite frankly, i don’t even know what “the one” is supposed to be like.

i gave up on the idea of an ideal many moons ago.

i think i’m just picky who to tell things to.

i’m picky about who i will let in my life, my heart, my home.

i’m picky about my time and who i’d like to spend it with, if anyone at all.

as someone who recognizes they’re a people pleaser,

i think i assume that maybe the things i’m picky about

are things they wouldn’t care to hear about anyway.

i know i shouldn’t assume what i think people may or may not want,

but maybe i’m just afraid.

i’m afraid of someone… er, a male… letting me in their life, their heart, their home.

i’m afraid of spending substantial amounts of time with that male,

because i think i know what will happen if i do.

when i say i know how to play the dating game,
it’s not that i know the in-n-outs of relationships by any means, (clearly not)

but what i do know, is that if i spend a good amount of time with anyone (male or female)

and i get to know their life, their heart, their home…

i’ll become closer to that person.

and specifically with a tender flame, not only does one become closer,

but they become attached.

they become twitterpated.

they become consumed.

they start saying four letter words.

and then from there, you’re at a fork in the road
to either keep moving forward with that person

or part ways and try to figure it out all over again.

i guess i just don’t know if i’m ready for all that.

i guess i’ve gotta still figure out if my life, my heart, and my home

are things that i can share with someone else.

i guess it all boils down to wondering if i’m something that’s worth sharing.

the sad part is, is that i know the cure to this self-proclaimed diagnosis of date-o-phobia.

i don’t think the answer is going on more dates.

it’s not reading relationship manuals,
talking to therapists,
or analyzing everything your significant other says to you.
it's not venting to your friends about it,
it's not seeing the end before the beginning...
it's just taking it one day at a time.

it's embracing every relationship for what it's worth.

it's hoping to eventually see the heart beyond the surface level.

because even if it doesn't work out with one person,

good news, there's always someone else.

until you're happy with the someone right in front of you.

it all works out. 
always has, always will.
*sigh*
i just gotta have faith.

.wednesday wisdom.

more patience requires more understanding of others.