.date-o-phobia.

guys, i think i have date-o-phobia.
actually, scratch that, i know i do.

like, going on dates? it’s fine. whatever.

“hey what’s your name, where ya from, what’s your major…

k, cool – have a great life! see ya never!”

but when it actually comes to dating someone?

ooo… now that sends shivers down my spine.

why, pray tell?

well, it all goes from the superficial spectrum to the serious.

there’s the cliché been there done that.

i tried being vulnerable once.

well, truth is, he made it real easy to be vulnerable.

his words were keys that opened up all the locks to my secrets.

and he embraced my light and my dark quite beautifully.

in fact, maybe too beautifully.
cause it’s been hard to take that standard off its pedestal.

i can’t even fathom how some people have had multiple boyfriends in their life.

how they get so close to someone over and over again, cut off all ties,

and hop on the next dating wagon again.

i see why they do that, and why it’s probably normal and healthy to do that,
but i don’t know if i could ever do that…

but then again, i have date-o-phobia.

i think it also comes down to me just being plain ‘ol picky.

not like the 'oh, he has to be tall dark and handsome, blue eyes' kind of picky.

sometimes i’m even picky about them being too attractive (i know, whatta weirdo)

quite frankly, i don’t even know what “the one” is supposed to be like.

i gave up on the idea of an ideal many moons ago.

i think i’m just picky who to tell things to.

i’m picky about who i will let in my life, my heart, my home.

i’m picky about my time and who i’d like to spend it with, if anyone at all.

as someone who recognizes they’re a people pleaser,

i think i assume that maybe the things i’m picky about

are things they wouldn’t care to hear about anyway.

i know i shouldn’t assume what i think people may or may not want,

but maybe i’m just afraid.

i’m afraid of someone… er, a male… letting me in their life, their heart, their home.

i’m afraid of spending substantial amounts of time with that male,

because i think i know what will happen if i do.

when i say i know how to play the dating game,
it’s not that i know the in-n-outs of relationships by any means, (clearly not)

but what i do know, is that if i spend a good amount of time with anyone (male or female)

and i get to know their life, their heart, their home…

i’ll become closer to that person.

and specifically with a tender flame, not only does one become closer,

but they become attached.

they become twitterpated.

they become consumed.

they start saying four letter words.

and then from there, you’re at a fork in the road
to either keep moving forward with that person

or part ways and try to figure it out all over again.

i guess i just don’t know if i’m ready for all that.

i guess i’ve gotta still figure out if my life, my heart, and my home

are things that i can share with someone else.

i guess it all boils down to wondering if i’m something that’s worth sharing.

the sad part is, is that i know the cure to this self-proclaimed diagnosis of date-o-phobia.

i don’t think the answer is going on more dates.

it’s not reading relationship manuals,
talking to therapists,
or analyzing everything your significant other says to you.
it's not venting to your friends about it,
it's not seeing the end before the beginning...
it's just taking it one day at a time.

it's embracing every relationship for what it's worth.

it's hoping to eventually see the heart beyond the surface level.

because even if it doesn't work out with one person,

good news, there's always someone else.

until you're happy with the someone right in front of you.

it all works out. 
always has, always will.
*sigh*
i just gotta have faith.