.worth something.

2017.

I couldn’t wait to leave 2016 behind.

The end of the year had thrown me to a pretty low point

and I was trying to pick up the pieces as best as I could.

Coming home from my mission had its ups and downs,

but unfortunately, mostly downs it seemed.

Life wasn’t terrible by any means, but it always throws you for a loop

when reality only ends in discouragement.

I wasn’t quite sure how to handle it all, who to talk to, or why I suddenly fell to the kitchen floor on Christmas and couldn’t get a grip on my racing heart rate

or uncontrollable ugly cry-breathing.

I felt pretty worthless.

I knew God loved me, but it was complicated.

He had other children who could do and live life better than I could.

If I wasn’t here, if I couldn’t do it, there would be someone else to get the job done.

The first week of the new year, I jumped at the opportunity to escape.

A road trip with one my best friends sounded like the perfect therapy.

We drove to San Diego to visit one of our old roommates who had moved there.

Long chats, beach, the world’s best acai bowls – it was just what I needed.

One of the days we were there, we decided to do a session at the temple.

As I sat waiting in the chapel, I picked up a Book of Mormon.

I never usually get much out of the open-to-a-random-page-and-receive-revelation approach,

but, lo and behold, the pages fell to Alma 36.

I’d never felt a passage of scripture speak so personally and powerfully to me before.

15 Oh, thought I, that I could be banished and become extinct both soul and body, that I might not be brought to stand in the presence of my God, to be judged of my deeds.

16 And now, for three days and for three nights was I racked, even with the pains of a damned soul.

17 And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.

18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.

19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.

20 And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!

21 Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.

The context of Alma’s experience may have been different than mine,

but he perfectly described how I felt.

I had wanted to become ‘extinct both soul and body.’

And when you’re crippled with that kind of anxiety,

‘the pains of a damned soul’ (i.e. inability to progress)

are a hard reality as well.

But.

There is hope.

Just as Alma saw the light at the end of the tunnel,

I felt peace in my heart knowing that Christ was that light.

I knew if I trusted Him,

that a day would come for me where I would be able to  

“remember my pains no more.”

It took time.

Sometimes a lot longer than I wanted or thought I needed.

But I felt a Savior’s love, and it wasn’t complicated.

It was unconditional.

I know He died for me, and he suffered for every one of us,

because He saw value.

He saw purpose.

He saw potential.

And now, here we are.

Changed, comforted, and enveloped in His grace.

“There could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains.
There can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.”

.the present.

This past mother’s day was interesting for me.

It was weird, cause I feel like for the most part,

I’ve been able to have a pretty good grip on my emotions.

I definitely get sentimental sometimes, but the reality of it is,

is that I miss and think about my mom every. single. day.

Sometimes, reminiscent thoughts produce tears... most times, smiles… 

Anyway, you just kind of learn to live with that little constant tug at your 
heartstrings and keep keepin on with life.

But this Mother’s Day.

Man.

I was getting all ready to post my obligatory Mother’s Day pic on social media,

And then I started scrolling through my newsfeed.

All these pictures of friends with their moms at graduation, weddings, holding grandkids…

It really hit me.

I put down my phone and shut my computer.

I would never have those kind of pictures with my mom.

I’m sure the same principle relates to a variety of situations,

But in the context of losing a loved one or a breakup

(the two are actually pretty similar),

I realized why things get hard – the past and the future.

The past is hard because we have the good ‘ol days we compare to the present.

Life was better, or easier, when they were around.

With my mom, I always came home to the best meals and she sewed the rips in my clothes.

A high light of the day was just talking for hours with the best boy
about the best things you thought nobody else 
cared about or appreciated until you met them.

The future is hard because the potential for those good days are gone.

Life seemed so much wonderful-er thinking they’d always be in it.

But she’s not gonna be around for my graduation, wedding, having kids…

After breaking up, I gotta find someone else to come to that concert with me
that we had tickets to go to for months.

So, what’s the solution?

Well.

I don’t exactly know haha

BUT. I think it may have something to do with the present.

My Senior year of high school I wished I was in college.

My Freshman year of college, I was always worried about 
how things were going at home, 
so I found a way up to Salt Lake almost every weekend.

It wasn’t until my Junior year where I felt like I was finally

where my life was supposed to be – not the way I expected it be,

but exactly how the Lord intended it to be.

And it turns out, His way had a lot more of what I wanted,

and even some things I didn’t even know I wanted,

but I couldn’t have even dreamed of anything better.

Real quick.

Philippians 4:11.

“For I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, 

therewith to be content.”

When I was on a study abroad last summer,

I wrote in my journal coming back from Turkey,

“It’s a good feeling come back ‘home’ to the JC. I think about being back in Salt Lake or Provo, and the thought is not appealing at all… there is nowhere else I would rather be than Jerusalem right now. And that’s a big deal for me to be totally content with the present.”

In my opinion, those are the best kind of ‘presents.’

That feeling of knowing you're exactly where you're supposed to be,

exactly where you want to be, and not even questioning or desiring to be anywhere else.

Granted, those are probably the easiest kind of 'presents' to be content with too…

(I mean who wouldn't want to be anywhere else 
when you're living a charmed life in Israel?)

But you can still have the same attitude
for all the other kind of ‘present’ circumstances too.

I’ve found that it’s important to remind myself that wherever I am, 

is exactly where I’m suppose to be, 

and it’s up to me to figure out the reason of why I’m suppose to be there.

Some ‘presents’ are for patience.

Other ‘presents’ are for preparation.

Every now and then, your ‘present’ may have the stars align 

and opportunities just fall into your lap, 

giving that external validation that you can stop wondering 

if you’re in the right place, doing the right thing.

All ‘presents’ are for growth.

And all ‘presents’ can have peace.

Because I like the play on words too,

These ‘presents’ are more than just the here and now.

They really are a gift.

This analogy just kind of came to me while writing this post,

And it just keeps getting weirder in my head (so bear with me),

But what if life was like the Hunger Games (minus the whole fight to death thing).

We’re in this arena.

And the cornucopia thing has all the gifts and tools

that God has given us to make the most of our ‘present.’

And sometimes when life throws you a bunch of tracker jackers,

God is there to give you that extra helpful dose
of healing ointment to get you through.

And maybe you never even dreamed of being tribute,

But you volunteered and made the most of it,

And no matter how much you worry about Prim (the past) or Gale (the future),

God is always going to make you Victor in the end.

Anyway...

Mother’s Day.

I would never hope anyone has to lose their mom,

to figure out the things I had to the hard way.

But, at the same time,

I guess I wouldn’t trade my present for anything else.

Sure, there’s things I’ll always miss,

And some experiences I’ll never get to have,

But, I’ve been more than content with the abundance of

goodness, growth, and opportunity of my present.

Take your past, and shape your present from it.

It’s cliché, but when making decisions I ask myself the question,

“Would I regret ________ if I did/didn’t do it?” #yolo

Don’t feel like you’re waiting for life to start.

It started a looooong time ago, and is just waiting for you.

Maybe there’s not a ton going on in your life right now,

and you feel like you’re just going to school, work, eat food, go to bed, repeat…

Or maybe you’re not in the financial place to splurge and satisfy that wanderlust,

But, be patient with your present.

Fill it with what you know how to,

keep those dreams burning in the back of your mind,

and a loving Heavenly Father will be there every step of the way,

willing and ready to grant every one of those wishes.

All that and even more, at the perfect time – His time.

And as for the future?

Just focus on doing your best and making the most of today. 
That brilliant, glorious, and extremely bright future 
ahead of you will take care of itself.

One of my favorite memories collecting agates on the Oregon coast - you know you've got a good mom when she makes even collecting rocks fun.

.2015/life mantra.

I remember when we had hospice care at our house for a few weeks.

My mom needed an IV change every day, but on the off chance the nurse couldn't be there,

someone at home needed to learn how to change it.

My older sisters couldn't handle it without fainting, 
and my dad was at work during the day,

so who was the lucky IV changing winner? 
*ding ding ding* - this kid.

At the time, I thought to myself, 
"Yeah, I'm a little nervous, but someone's gotta do it."

Looking back now, I just shake my head and almost laugh...

"I was a 17-year-old child! Learning how to change an IV for their mom!" 

...not your typical childhood experience.

But, I did it.

Probably cause I couldn't even really fully wrap my head around 

what was going on at the time, 

and I didn't even think about an alternative.

I remember calling the doctor to make an appointment for myself for the first time,

and then got anxious when they asked for an insurance card,

and I had to put them on hold for 20 minutes while I called my sister to figure out

what that was and where to find it.
Eventually, I learned that when questions arose
and Siri didn't have all the answers,

Google's your best friend and YouTube tutorials are heaven sent. 

When I started driving, there was one day where I almost 

hit an entire construction crew and a deer simultaneously.

(It's traumatizing to have your mom scream at the top of her lungs, 
"DON'T KILL BAMBI!!!").

I vowed after that, that I would never drive again

and take public transportation for the rest of my life.................. psych.

Glad I eventually broke that promise.

Before ever traveling outside of the United States,

there was a part of me that was intimidated by the rest of the world.

But more than one sibling had told me that if they could do college over again,

they would have gone on a study abroad.

So me, not wanting to regret my college experience, 

signed up to go the BYU Jerusalem Center for Near Eastern Studies.

A lot was going on at the time and some factors made me question if I should go.

It wasn't a crippling fear, but there were definitely doubts.

...but it would have been the biggest regret of my life
if I'd given in to that hesitation.

That was the best summer of my life.

Also, A S I A.

When I say I was intimidated by the rest of the world,

I mostly meant Asia.

Nothing against Asia at all, 

(In fact, some of my best friends are Asian),

But I guess I understood their culture the least, 
their food is... questionable? sometimes,

I've watched way too many TV shows of 
China or North Korea taking over the world...

But, even so, all cultural stereotypes aside, 

I can't explain why I've had this subconscious fear of our Earth's largest continent.

In my short 22 years though,

I've come to learn a few things about myself.

If I'm scared, intimidated, anxious, nervous, terrified about something...

then that means I should probably face those fears,

put on my big girl pants, and just do it.

So, after stewing about it for two years,

and taking all the 77.6% faith I had,

and the 22.4% fear that I channeled into a catalyst of courage...

I put in my mission papers.

The initial thought for anyone going through this process is,

"Oo, I wonder where I'll go!"

And the answer to my future destination of service came on February 27, 2015.

"Dear Sister Smith,

You are hereby called to serve as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

You are assigned to labor in the Cebu East, Philippines mission."

THE PHILIPPINES.

aka A S I A.

LOL.

I should've have guessed it all along.

The Lord is all about helping us conquer fears.

He will aid us in overcoming the things that we struggle with,

and in turn change our hearts and expand our capacities 

to love and have strength for the things that were once a challenge for us.

I've heard so much about the Philippines and the Filipino people 

the past few months too,

That I can't help but already feel this anticipatory love

for the souls and adventure that awaits me.

I know a lot of these examples probably aren't especially brave or courageous either,

and some of it is just a part of growing up.

But with every example, I remember the having the feeling,

"Am I really doing this?!"

Am I really inserting an IV?

Am I going to this doctor's appointment all by myself? 

Am I driving 70 mph on the freeway right now?

Am I on a plane flying to the Holy Land?

Am I ready to serve the Lord for 18 months? 

Looking back, a lot of those little things don't seem like such a big deal now.

But I still have a list of fears and weaknesses waiting to be conquered,

and instead of getting scared,

I am now more anxious to accept the challenge. #bringiton

Sometimes courage is thrust upon you and you don't realize that you're being brave.

Other times, you make the choice to be courageous, 

because you know it will be good for you in the end.

And so I give to you my mantra for 2015/life:

.wednesday wisdom.

“dear diary, sorry i haven’t written for so long!”

…said every journal entry ever.

i feel like this blog is beginning to share the same sentiment,

so, yes… i apologize to any of the 5 followers

i may or may not be accountable to out there.

as for an update, here’s a little wednesday wisdom

i stumbled upon this morning.

…

“I suppose no one is as handsome or as beautiful as he or she wishes, or as brilliant in school or as witty in speech or as wealthy as we would like, but in a world of varied talents and fortunes that we can’t always command, I think that makes even more attractive the qualities we can command—such qualities as thoughtfulness, patience, a kind word, and true delight in the accomplishment of another. These cost us nothing, and they can mean everything to the one who receives them.”

…

blessed be the words of elder holland.

(if you’d like to read the whole talk,

which you probably should just saying,

click here).

with thoughtfulness,

patience,

a kind word,

and a true delight in the accomplishment of another…

it’s priceless to make someone else feel like a million bucks.

i love that.

.to know Him.

there’s a lot of big things i’ve learned here the past few months.

but this one might be one of the biggest.

and it’s been thoughts and feelings so near and dear to my heart,

i’m not quite sure how to articulate it.

but i felt impressed to share it,

so i’ll try.

here goes something.

have you ever had something you've heard your entire life,

but it took awhile until it actually clicked and you finally understood it?

today was one of those days.

the Atonement is so multi-faceted, 

it's something i'll always be trying to understand for probably the rest of my life...

but today i realized that Christ wouldn't be who He is without us, 

and we wouldn't be who we are without Him.

we're made up of moments and experiences. 

to be without one of those moments, or one of those experiences,

would mean for us to be a different person.

but we are who we are because of the moments and experiences we have. 

and Jesus Christ knows exactly who each of us is,

and who we each have the potential to become,

all because of His atoning sacrifice -

to personally suffer, empathize, and aid us

through each of our moments and experiences that make up who we are.

that being said, Christ has come to know each of us...

but how do we come to know Christ?

being here in the holy land has definitely offered a lot of perspective

and factual knowledge in that regard.

i've read the scriptures, multiple talks, books, and articles on the Savior and His life.

i've learned about His character and how he responded in various situations, 

how His ultimate goal was to bring glory to the Father...

i've seen bethlehem where He was born, 

walked on the steps he took to the temple, 

seen multiple places where he may or may not have ascended into Heaven... 

all fun facts, right?

but i've learned that even though all these things were helpful in gaining a more rooted, 

clear knowledge and testimony of the Savior,

it wasn’t so much the content of the experiences

but rather why we have the experiences we do.

i believe we're given the individual experiences, opportunities, 

situations, trials, and circumstances for many reasons,

but ultimately because it helps us come to know Jesus Christ.

because, in essence,

they are the very things that make up who He is as well.

because the experiences and moments in my life and your life,

make up experiences and moments in Christ's life.

there's all these overarching principles in the universe of love, fear, addiction, death, joy... 

and two people can learn one of these principles very different ways.

but Christ understands each of those perspectives perfectly 

because He's got every experience and every moment of everyone on His shoulders, 

to help aid, comfort, and guide us what we individually go through.

His understanding would be incomplete without you or i.

for instance, maybe from one of our individual life experiences,

we taught the Savior something about love as He suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane.

not only did that contribute to His understanding of the principle,

but also it would be very different, less personal, and less meaningful

to have a Savior try and empathize through someone's else's perspective on love,

regardless of how similar the experience might have been.

the Atonement is meaningful because Jesus Christ 

exactly knows and perfectly understands

you and i.

and every person we meet and come to understand

as we exercise the pure love of Christ,

is another piece to the puzzle.

as we take our own experiences and come to know others,

we come to know Christ

because His understanding is in each of us.

thinking about this made me realize 

the worth that each of us has as well - 

that Christ needs us just as much as we need Him.

i don't think Christ would have gone through what He had 

if He didn't perfectly understand that worth.

and by knowing how much He loves us,

should reflect in how much we should also value each other.

long thoughts short:

we're all made up of moments and experiences.

we share those moments and experiences with Christ.

He perfectly knows us individually,

and we come to know Him.

as we strive to develop charity,

we take hold of His perfect understanding,

and come to know and love others

which furthers our knowledge of the Savior.

He needs us, and we need Him.

He died for us because He understood our worth,

and everything in our lives revolves around coming to understand
His worth in ours.