.worth something.

2017.

I couldn’t wait to leave 2016 behind.

The end of the year had thrown me to a pretty low point

and I was trying to pick up the pieces as best as I could.

Coming home from my mission had its ups and downs,

but unfortunately, mostly downs it seemed.

Life wasn’t terrible by any means, but it always throws you for a loop

when reality only ends in discouragement.

I wasn’t quite sure how to handle it all, who to talk to, or why I suddenly fell to the kitchen floor on Christmas and couldn’t get a grip on my racing heart rate

or uncontrollable ugly cry-breathing.

I felt pretty worthless.

I knew God loved me, but it was complicated.

He had other children who could do and live life better than I could.

If I wasn’t here, if I couldn’t do it, there would be someone else to get the job done.

The first week of the new year, I jumped at the opportunity to escape.

A road trip with one my best friends sounded like the perfect therapy.

We drove to San Diego to visit one of our old roommates who had moved there.

Long chats, beach, the world’s best acai bowls – it was just what I needed.

One of the days we were there, we decided to do a session at the temple.

As I sat waiting in the chapel, I picked up a Book of Mormon.

I never usually get much out of the open-to-a-random-page-and-receive-revelation approach,

but, lo and behold, the pages fell to Alma 36.

I’d never felt a passage of scripture speak so personally and powerfully to me before.

15 Oh, thought I, that I could be banished and become extinct both soul and body, that I might not be brought to stand in the presence of my God, to be judged of my deeds.

16 And now, for three days and for three nights was I racked, even with the pains of a damned soul.

17 And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.

18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.

19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.

20 And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!

21 Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.

The context of Alma’s experience may have been different than mine,

but he perfectly described how I felt.

I had wanted to become ‘extinct both soul and body.’

And when you’re crippled with that kind of anxiety,

‘the pains of a damned soul’ (i.e. inability to progress)

are a hard reality as well.

But.

There is hope.

Just as Alma saw the light at the end of the tunnel,

I felt peace in my heart knowing that Christ was that light.

I knew if I trusted Him,

that a day would come for me where I would be able to  

“remember my pains no more.”

It took time.

Sometimes a lot longer than I wanted or thought I needed.

But I felt a Savior’s love, and it wasn’t complicated.

It was unconditional.

I know He died for me, and he suffered for every one of us,

because He saw value.

He saw purpose.

He saw potential.

And now, here we are.

Changed, comforted, and enveloped in His grace.

“There could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains.
There can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.”